so wow, prom seems lightyears away. its summer now and i really think i'm going to start my freakin' book. i am bound and determined. so i've come to realize that the past has come and gone, and that i have two choices, i can either accept it and learn from it, or dwell on it and miss my present and the things that are right in front of me. so i've decided to accept and learn from it. and i can honestly say that i have (finally) moved on from the guy i thought i was in love with. i've still yet to grasp the concept that i'm 17, i really don't know (and couldn't have known at 15) what love was. yes, i do love my current boyfriend, but i don't know if i am in love with him. i don't know what being in love is. and no one will know when i am but me. though my current boyfriend is probably the most adorable and loving guy i've ever met, he's also incrediblyyy sexy. :X. yes that was naughty, but i had to say it. :). i feel like i've grown up a lot since summer started. i just feel different, like i feel free from my past that kept me binded so tightly in chains, granted that was my own fault that i wouldn't let it go. i just felt like i needed.... something. like you know how on casper, Caragin (i think thats her name) dies, and becomes a ghost, but she can't cross over because she has unfinished business, and then when she gets all snooty and says "i have no unfinished business," she crosses over. Well that's kind-of how I felt, i felt like there was something else i had to do, something else i had to know before i could move on. and i think i've figured out what i needed. i needed to learn how to forgive. and i've forgiven, even though the guy who hurt me most hasn't apologized, i've forgiven him, and i know that doesn't matter to him, but it matters to me. it helped me let go of him, and everything i thought he was. and with that said....let me talk about my boyy<33. He understands that i've been hurt before, and i'm afraid, but he doesn't let me forget that he cares about me, and i love that. i do get a little annoyed because well we live in two seperate towns, right next to each other, so its not long distance or anything, but we don't see each other much, but we talk everyday and i lovee it. he means a lot to me. i'm surprised at how fast him and i have gotten close, but at the same time, him and i are, oddly enough, a lot alike. my parents absolutely lovee him, and his family likes me. my mom told me that him and i are good for each other, and we look good together, cause we never stop smiling and she said when she saw us hug that my face + his just lit up like we had found the person who completed our life. yea, i was a little uhm...FLOORED when she told me that, cause i have the type of mother who is STRICTLY against love and stuff like that.
          but honestly, i really feel like a different person. but i know i couldn't have done it without my best friend. she probably has noooo idea how much her friendship means to me. i honestly don't know what i would do without her. we've been super super tight since 5th grade, and i can tell her everything. and i mean everything, even the gross sexual details you don't want to admit to yourself half the time. (i'm not serious, i don't really have many of those, but you get what i'm saying). she's my BEST friend, like she completes one part of me, i'm not joking. she is probably the coolest, most down to earth person you will ever met, i'm literally with her at least once a week. and i lovee it. :). without her, i could not have made it through my life. i have another really close best friend, only this ones a dude, and he probably has no idea how much he means to me. him and i have only been friends for a few months, but seriously, this kid is closer to me then i dont even know what. i love his family, and they welcome me (even though they all hate my boyfriend, long story not going there). they still love me. and this kid, i know he would do just about anything for me, and i'd do the same for him. he's probably one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet and i love him to the moon and back (in the he's my best friend sorta way). i can't even describe how my life would be right now without him too.
           my life is pretty amazing right now. i really wouldn't want it any other way. and i'm relieved that everything is going so well, i just hope it isn't setting me up for another let-down.

EDIT:::: the michigan guy, well we're just friends, and life will go one from there.

I guess I miss the beginning
And how things used to be.
There's not a lot I can ask for
And there's no way to see.

So I like writing a lot, so i'll randomly put little poems or whatever on here.

Here's another dilema I forgot. See I have this "boyfriend", let's call him Dan. And I live in one state, Dan lives in another. Dan's 18 almost 19, i'm 16 almost 17. Oh yea, i've never met him before. We've talked on the phone, and i know what he looks like and all. But it was one of those wierd, crazy spur of the moment, hey i'm bored let's get in a chat room sorta thing for both of us. And we started talking, and some how connected. I mean, he really means something to me. And he seems more real than a lot of what has happened in my life lately. Sure we don't talk everyday or anything, and i don't really know if we're "exclusive" or not, but i think about him a lot, and i do care about him. And he says the same for me. And we're always talking about how we don't really believe in on-line relationships or anything like that, but we just connected so well. And he's not pressuring me to come meet him, and i'm not pressuring him either. Sure we'd both love to meet, and actually touch instead of just talk about everything, but we realize that it's just not going to happen. We've been "together" i guess you could say for quite a while now, and... i dont know. I feel like it's wrong, but it doesn't feel wrong.

I personally think I'm way too young to deal with shit like this, and most of the shit I get put, and put myself, through. But i've kinda learned to handle it.

signed,

-undefined-